The Jellyfish Debacle

I was at the beach with friends and my wife. Strangely there weren't that many people in the water. Lots of people on the beach though. I waded into the water, went out far enough that I was up to my neck. Was really nice. Pretty summer day. Peaceful, had the ocean to myself. 

I had the nagging sensation of having to pee. People keep telling me that its okay to urinate in the ocean, there were no restrooms anywhere near by, so I decided to give it a whirl. I didn't want to pee on my swim trunks (nasty!), so I pulled them down. Later, my wife would ask "why the hell did you pull your pants down? You're in the ocean!". She doesn't seem to see the difference between peeing in the ocean, the urine being dilute, and directly hosing down your shorts. 

Anyway, so there I was in the ocean, pants down around ankles, looking at the crowds of people on the beach, hoping they couldn't figure out what I was up to. I felt a burning sensation on my inner thigh. I looked down into the water. Then I saw them….

I grew up in a beach town. I was used to seeing the easy to spot big jellies, but what was surrounding me was hundreds of little jellyfish. The water was teeming with them, I was completely immersed in jellyfish (I could swear I heard the Jaws theme). Another burn around my nether regions, it seems like they're using the pee stream like a tractor beam to home in on my bits and pieces. I start to freak out, so I pull my trunks up. These trunks happened to be the type with the underwear-like netting in them. Suddenly, every part of me under the trunks was getting burned. What I didn't realize is that I had neatly scooped a large load of small jellyfish into the trunk netting and now they were getting up and personal with my private business. I had literally netted myself a catch of jellyfish. THIS, Discovery Channel, was the "Deadliest Catch".

I started swimming for the beach, screaming at my friends. "The Jellyfish! They're stinging me!" Someone said, "well get out of the water, dumbass". I yelled "But you don't understand, the jellyfish are IN my trunks!". Friends looked confused. "How the HELL did they get in your trunks?" I couldn't get out of the water, but I couldn't stay in the water! I couldn't pull my trunks down on the beach and expose myself to the public, but if I pulled my pants down in the water more jellyfish would get in. I feel multiple stings to places that a man should never feel stings. I bit my lip. The phrase "this too shall pass" keeps repeating in my head. From the beach, a friend yells: "How did they get in there?!". I say how I pulled the trunks down to pee. Instead of calling 911, they start howling with laughter. I pull down the trunks again to release the angry jellyfish, but I don't know if I've just made matters worse. The water is still full of them. I try sweeping them out of my nethers.

I launch onto the beach, hear someone while laughing yell "the remedy for jellyfish stings is peeing on the burns!" When I pulled my trunks down later it looked like I had an angry red speedo on, the shape the stings had made. 

Mother Nature: 1, Eddie: 0


  1. OMG Eddie!!! Dude. I'm still laughing over here and I read this like... an hour ago. Thank you for sharing... but next time, just pee in the damn trunks. ;-)

  2. Hmmm. Angry red Speedo or hosing down my shorts? Tough choice. LMAO. Thanks for the laugh. I, everything healed okay.

  3. LAUGHING MY ASS OFF, please submit this for publishing somewhere, it's hilarious!! I get it, I don't like peeing in my suit either, it's like soaking your clothes in urine!

  4. Huh. Funny. I actually visited here earlier and (sorry) didn't comment. wth. I'll be bock! Yah baby! Only not in a creepy way so you have to block me and stuff b/c that's never happened before. awkward.

  5. Oh, you poor guy... I laughed so hard. Awesome!

    1. Funny in retrospect, not so funny at the time. ;^)

  6. Hahaha, I'm sorry but I took great pleasure in your plight with Mother Nature.